Oral

I love going down on women, althought I must admit, I'm not the best. I liken myself to a crazed redneck marine in the heat of battle: passionate, intense, shooting fucking everywhere and hoping for the best.

I'd rather be a sniper.

"But I went down on you", she says as I try not to stare at the big, reddish brown bush between her legs. It looks like Will Ferrell's armpit. I met her at a Halloween party two weeks ago when she had makeup on and I was significantly under the influence. That's not to say she's ugly now; just not what I remembered her to be.

I don't have an answer that's not bluntly honest, so I just shrug. I want to tell her that going down on a cut penis is not the same as going down on a hairy vagina, especially a hairy vagina that I'm not familiar with (I have to be animal-horny to do that). The difference is night and day -- strolling down a sunny street versus hacking your way through an uncharted jungle. See, dicks are out there, flopping around, airing out. Vaginas are on the inside, festering, collecting sweat. You can't see everything that's happening with a vagina. There could be Vietcong.

Oral sex, like most things in life, involves a double standard. And, also like most things in life, that double standard favors the males. There's a good reason for this though: a dick in the mouth is a natural progression in the hierarchy leading to sex. The pre-coital blowjob is strictly utilitarian. Most girls only do it to ensure maximum hardness and deep penetration. They suck dick for selfish reasons.

So why do they get offended if we don't reciprocate?

A tongue on the pussy is a gesture. A bonus stage. A thank you card. It's something you do when you're very fucking horny or after your girlfriend has made you a nice dinner and cleaned up the kitchen. It can also be an apology (I've licked to atone for whiskey dick). What it is not is matter of fact. Going down on a girl is significantly more difficult than her going down on you. The positions, the muscles involved. I've actually strained one of my tongue connector thingies during a forty minute, must-make-her-come session. It was worth it.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, all oral sex is not created equal. Especially not on the first night. Perhaps it should be. But a guy's gotta be able to screen.

And he can't do that if he needs a machete.