Monday, November 10, 2008

Oral

I love going down on women, althought I must admit, I'm not the best. I liken myself to a crazed redneck marine in the heat of battle: passionate, intense, shooting fucking everywhere and hoping for the best.

I'd rather be a sniper.

"But I went down on you", she says as I try not to stare at the big, reddish brown bush between her legs. It looks like Will Ferrell's armpit. I met her at a Halloween party two weeks ago when she had makeup on and I was significantly under the influence. That's not to say she's ugly now; just not what I remembered her to be.

I don't have an answer that's not bluntly honest, so I just shrug. I want to tell her that going down on a cut penis is not the same as going down on a hairy vagina, especially a hairy vagina that I'm not familiar with (I have to be animal-horny to do that). The difference is night and day -- strolling down a sunny street versus hacking your way through an uncharted jungle. See, dicks are out there, flopping around, airing out. Vaginas are on the inside, festering, collecting sweat. You can't see everything that's happening with a vagina. There could be Vietcong.

Oral sex, like most things in life, involves a double standard. And, also like most things in life, that double standard favors the males. There's a good reason for this though: a dick in the mouth is a natural progression in the hierarchy leading to sex. The pre-coital blowjob is strictly utilitarian. Most girls only do it to ensure maximum hardness and deep penetration. They suck dick for selfish reasons.

So why do they get offended if we don't reciprocate?

A tongue on the pussy is a gesture. A bonus stage. A thank you card. It's something you do when you're very fucking horny or after your girlfriend has made you a nice dinner and cleaned up the kitchen. It can also be an apology (I've licked to atone for whiskey dick). What it is not is matter of fact. Going down on a girl is significantly more difficult than her going down on you. The positions, the muscles involved. I've actually strained one of my tongue connector thingies during a forty minute, must-make-her-come session. It was worth it.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, all oral sex is not created equal. Especially not on the first night. Perhaps it should be. But a guy's gotta be able to screen.

And he can't do that if he needs a machete.

21 comments:

richelle said...

HAHAHAHA omg so funny, jeff!

Jeff said...

Thanks, baby.

Anonymous said...

See...I disagree. It's a lot harder for a girl to go down on a guy. Neck strain, eye bulging/watering, jaw ache, GAGGING...

Anonymous said...

you're like fucking Carrie Bradshaw

Jeff said...

Neck strain?! Try eating pussy.

My ex-girlfriend complained of jaw-ache and rarely did it for more than two minutes. Then again, I never wanted her to go much longer.

Ambitious girls gag. :)

James Martin said...

well said

Mom said...

Allow me to enlighten you, my son. There is a reason God put hair down there. It is more hygenic. It wicks away all the nasty stuff and keeps it more odor free than a shaved one. That is the truth. And it is like this, if she goes down on you, you must reciprocate. Just part it and hold the hair back with your hands on either side. OK, so I impart more information than the usual mom would. Please don't make me do an instructional video.

Anonymous said...

lol fuckin hilarious

Anonymous said...

i LOVE to choke out bitches... so much fun

Jeff said...

Mom, I shouldn't have to carry a hairbrush if I want some ass.

And yes, choking out girls is muy bueno.

mom said...

Shame on you, Jeff. Karma will bite your ass someday. Be careful choking out girls. I, for one, walk away from any man who does that to me. It is abusive and disrespectful. You were raised better than that. If that is the way you want to be, then you are driving a wedge between us.

Anonymous said...

you should read the book The Lowdown on Going Down

Anonymous said...

Ass then mouth... that's my favorite... make that bitch taste her ass.. ha ha HA

Jeff said...

Choking out is not strangling, Mom. And the girl usually likes it.

Anonymous said...

Jeff, great blog. It felt like you fell of a little back there. But back on your grind it would seem. Where's more of the Vegas stuff?

mom said...

Your blog was better when you did not bow to the prurient and base. It was better when you first got to LA and when you blogged about the city and your roommate's beer and expensive sneakers. It was better when you blogged about Vegas. Rise above the filth and be what you are meant to be. Quit bowing to your hormones.

As for all these misogynistic "anonymous" comments, may some of these women give you a nice French kiss and a huge dose of E.coli bacteria after you to the a**-choke routine.

As for the choking, I know of a woman who died that way. It is not fun. It doesn't feel good. It is deadly.

Hopefully none of you boys, yes BOYS, will end up in the slammer for killing one of your conquests this way.

Jeff said...

Jesus Christ, lighten up. No one is getting STRANGLED. And I'm not bowing to he prurient and base. I'm analyzing it and trying to find patterns, correlations, reason, logic, meaning -- all that good shit.

If I write about pussy I'm not writing about pussy; I'm writing about the pain that goes with it.

Anonymous said...

Jeff, my friend you're not bowing to your hormones. You are writing stuff everyone wants to read about. So called "filth" is what people want to read about. That's why I visit this blog and skip the other bullshit blogs who blog about falling in love and all that gay shit. Keep up the good work! We love it!!!

Anonymous said...

Jeff 4 President Elect.

Jeff said...

THANK YOU!

Anonymous said...

No problemo my Goldeneye loving friend.