Tuesday, July 21, 2009

The Utility Belt

Like Batman, a guy should strap on his utility belt before heading into that dark unknown that is the night. No matter the characters you meet, the places you go, these are the essentials:


There are two things in this world that people can never seem to find: pens and lighters. Drunk girls could lose the key to the universe, so it's a safe bet that any given number will be looking for a flame on a blurry Saturday night. This is where you come in. Lighters are opportunity creators. In-givers. But they're not a license to stick around. Lighting a girl's cigarette is a classic, polite gesture. Don't creepify it. Swoop in, compliment her, see where the conversation goes, and then swoop out. If things go well, you have a good chance of bumping into her later when she's more-than-buzzed. The extra alcohol in her system will distort the memory of the cigarette-lighting and make it seem even more romantic and gentlemanly, especially now since she's dealt with assholes trying to grab and hit on her all night. You'll stand out. Maybe even be her hero.


The lighter squared. Alcohol turns non-smokers into smokers. Cigarettes enhance the buzz and give people something to do. Even if you don't indulge, you should always carry a pack on you for those pretty girls that do. They're a good icebreaker and provide you with an in you otherwise may not have. The trick is to keep the girl around after you've lit her Parliament. Difficulty will vary depending on her situation (attitude, friends, drunkenness, etc.), but at least you'll have a chance. Be careful not to become the cigarette dispenser, though. This is the bar equivalent of the cuddle bitch. If you've seen a girl rubbing on some other guy all night or making eyes at some almost-model with a square jaw, she gets nothing. Never give a girl a cigarette for her friend or "for later". This means she has absolutely no intention of sticking around or even pretending to be somewhat interested in you. Politely tell her you don't have anything and watch how quickly she drops the sweet girl act. On to the next one, sugar pie.

Big Flask

What'd you start off with, vodka? Then this is what you'll keep in here. Order a drink or a mixer and add accordingly. No matter how drunk you are, always refill in a bathroom or remote corner. Don't get bold and pour in the middle of the club. That's when security sees you and throws you out. Not that it matters to them, but they look bad-ass if they bounce someone and that could net them pussy at the end of the night. Never let a girl know you have a flask. She'll be turned off by your cheapness and think you're an alcoholic when in reality you're just trying to get fucked up at an economically sound rate: free.

Small Flask

This is your backup. Or it can be your alternative. Think you may want to switch to tequila as the night progresses? That's what this is for. Keep the alcohol in here ultra-cheap though. I'm talking $6 a bottle shit. By the time you dig into this you should be sufficient. That's when your tastebuds are asleep being spooned by your judgment. You don't need anymore, but you keep going because it feels right. You'll hate yourself for it in the morning.

Money Clip

Wallets make you look like a grandfather, and they take up too much space. A simple money clip with a few bills, your ID, and an emergency credit card is all you need for a night out. Just be careful not to lose it. I recommend checking your pockets every few minutes to ensure that you didn't drunkenly drop it when you pulled out your cell phone.


When you're drunk, there are few things that feel better than the vibration of a new text message in your pocket. Your phone is essential for number-getting and backup plans. It can also be a conversation-starter if you have something new and/or fancy. I can't tell you how many times I've heard people discussing their BlackBerries. If things aren't looking promising by midnight, shoot a few texts to potentials you've already met, or a safe bet that you wouldn't mind seeing. Never text your last resort until closing time. Premature texting can kill unforeseeable hookups, so play it safe. The last thing you want is to invite an old girl over when a new girl is ready to come home with you.


Keep these hidden. A girl will feel like a slut if she thinks you anticipated sex with her and deep-six the entire hookup. Still, you have to be prepared. Raw sex is always an option but it really isn't. Not with easy club girls and definitely not with easy LA club girls. As important as your nut is, it's not worth the silent panic you'll endure the morning after. Strap it on, deal with the warm discomfort, and then finish yourself off when the condom bunches up, kills her lubrication, and dwindles your hard-on. You can still tell your boys you had sex. And that's usually what matters.


Anonymous said...

hahaha that's hilarious!!!

Anonymous said...

I was in a club one time when a dude dropped a bottle he brought in with him. His face turned red, it was so humiliating to him. I agree ALWAYS fill up in the bathroom. You don't want to look like the biggest loser in the club.

Anonymous said...

A++ post! Good job man.

Anonymous said...

lmao @ the last part, so true.

Also the stuff about the vibration of a text message when you're drunk is also spot on

Anonymous said...

god damn. you are the best man.

Anonymous said...

good job, motherfucker!

Anonymous said...

I use a condom, but when I get ready to cum I pull it off and cum on her face or sometimes asshole. As good as it feels, it's too dangerous to squirt your sperm in her pussy. Many girls like the warm cum squirted on their asshole, where there are many sense organs.

Christa Bledsoe said...

Damn Jeff, you couldn't have called that better. Great article and extremely well written. Going to pass it around to my friends if you don't mind.

Jeff said...

Please do. :)

Anonymous said...

Nice read.

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