Monday, July 13, 2009

The Girlfriend Face

The Girlfriend Face is something I've long tried to define, but have never been able to fully articulate or explain. It's my opinion that some girls have faces that are more conducive to long-lasting relationships. I call them Sunday Girls (because you can spend all Sunday with them and feel like it's the greatest day of your life). Perhaps it's just me and my tastes, but I think I'm onto something objective here. And so I shall proceed.

Girlfriend faces are comprised of softer, sweeter features. Maybe a perfect imperfection or two. A misplaced dimple, a stubby nose, an eye that squints too much when she smiles. Girlfriend faces are more cute than hot. More pretty than beautiful. They're mostly defined by their sunshiney smiles, their pleasant demeanors. A true girlfriend face does not drastically change if makeup is added. In fact, makeup can detract from a girlfriend face if not applied correctly. If a girl can look as good in the morning as she can at night, there's a good chance she has a girlfriend face.

Girlfriend faces belong to the movie girls the guy doesn't get until the end. The girl the guy doesn't realize he wants because he's too caught up chasing the bitchy, overly hot girl who's preoccupied with money and status. The girl next door, the cool best friend, the wallflower -- these are all girlfriend face archetypes.

Remember the cinematic teensploitation explosion at the end of the 90s? There was a new, shitty unlikely-high-school-romance movie hitting the theaters every few weeks. And who was always playing the bitch? This chick:


Jodi Lyn O'Keefe. The object of desire until the end of the second act. She made a killing in these roles because of her harsh beauty. Downturned eyebrows and piercing eyes, she's a sexy, somewhat thick demoness who probably smokes cigarettes like she sucks dicks: film noir, genie lamp style. No wonder she ended up playing the femme fatale in a direct-to-video Poison Ivy sequel.

Now compare her to her She's All That costar Rachael Leigh Cook (who I see all the time and who is as cute as fucking ever):


Contrast, what? We just went from hard-on inducing late-night phone call to heart-on inducing "wanna maybe see a movie sometime?" RLC has a spritely look to her that suggests fun, faithfulness, and longevity.

A girlfriend face.

Here are a few more celebrities with girlfriend faces:

Late 90s Jennifer Love Hewitt
Emmy Rossum
Anne Hathaway
A Walk to Remember Mandy Moore
Garden State Natalie Portman (as much as I hate that fucking movie)
Olivia Thirlby
Vanessa Hudgens
Blake Lively
Shenae Grimes
Brenda Song

Here are a few with non-girlfriend faces:

Megan Fox
Olivia Wilde
Posh Spice
Paris Hilton
Charlize Theron
Nicole Kidman

See the difference?

What's beautiful about girlfriend faces is they're warm and inviting even if you don't have a shot in hell. You'll spot that mile-wide smile from across the bar, feel your heart quiver and spasm with a rush of warmth, and feel like you're in a pop song for however long you'll let your mind picture you two together. Other girls are too coldly beautiful to allow you that deranged escapism.

A girlfriend face does not a good girlfriend make, though. I've bumped into my fair share of cuties with enough bitchiness to fuel a thousand MTV shows. And I've bumped into maybe two or three extremely beautiful model types who weren't all about money. It all comes down to the individual. You can never know for sure, but you can play the percentages.

Who knows? Maybe you'll find your next Sunday Girl.

19 comments:

Anonymous said...

awww what a mush that girl made out of you. You're sweet now.

Bobby Daniel said...

I thought the first picture was Megan Fox until I read further.

Krystle said...

Did you notice all your girlfriend faces have brown eyes and all your non-girlfriends have blue? Maybe it's not as much a face or smile but just about the eyes? Is it possible you are an eyes man and not a tits man??

Jeff said...

And this is where my subconscious bias comes into place, Krystle. I've always been a brunette guy. I did add Blake Lively though, and I'm not even that attracted to her. Old school Kirsten Dunst was on the list too before I took her off (couldn't find a good picture). I pretty much just thought of celebrities off the top of my head. If pressed, I could come up with a few more light-eyed girlfriend faces. I'm trying to be as objective as possible. :)

Jeff said...

And I've always been sweet. And assholish. I'm still an asshole. A sweet asshole. I just display certain sides more often.

F said...

Shenae Grimes..In looove

Anonymous said...

awww i like this...

Mom said...

Excellent blog, my son. RLC reminds me of Kendra. Doesn't she?

Anonymous said...

lol

Anonymous said...

Ashlynn Brooke, girlfriend face...looks can be deceiving :)

btw, I hate sundays

Anonymous said...

"smokes cigarettes like she sucks dicks" that part is great!

Anonymous said...

Here's something else you failed to mention... Guys would rather fuck girls in the ass who don't look like girlfriends. All those girls who you pointed out did not have girlfriend faces, they are a face i would like to bend over, take out my dick, and stick it deep inside their assholes.

Jeff said...

Well, yeah. That's kind of covered in the late night phone call line, except not as eloquently as you put it.

Anonymous said...

lol sorry i'm just pretty open about anal sex. Everyone does it, but no one will admit they do...

Anonymous said...

yeah everyone is doing it... lol

Anonymous said...

I suppose you'll understand when I say that you do NOT have boyfriend face...

Jeff said...

That's alright. I enjoy single life. :)

Anonymous said...

Any idea how credit crunch affected porn?


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