Thursday, July 16, 2009
All late night drive-thrus should become express-thrus after 11pm. Five items and that's it. Baconators and other specialty items count as two because they take so long to prepare. Oh, you're in an Escalade full of your boys trying to get your grub on before you hit the club? Tough shit. Pull back around and wait in line again. That'll teach you to wait until the last fucking second and inconvenience everyone else.
The snaking line of cars that runs into the parking lot is a weight on the appetite, a plague on the soul. No one should have to wait half-an-hour for a five-piece nugget. Most people in the late night drive-thru are just looking for a quick fix anyway. Not a fucking Thanksgiving dinner.
But there's always that one car -- usually with blaring subwoofers and tilted-hat silhouettes. You'll be moving along with a Jamaican's speed and then all of a sudden... nothing. It takes you a second to realize that progress has stopped. The song on your radio becomes another and you're still a car back from the menu-before-the-menu. An asshole up ahead is taking too long, ordering too much. Everyone must suffer because of it.
Maybe five items isn't the way to go. Maybe there should be an abbreviated menu with easily prepared late night essentials: hamburgers, french fries, chicken nuggets. None of that fancy, for-a-limited-time-only shit. When we're drunk and ravenous, we don't need bacon. Maybe extra barbecue sauce, but definitely not bacon. Our palates are anything but refined at 2:30 in the morning.
And so things must change. No more should we have to wait for the asshole-packed SUV with the obnoxious figures inside. Let's speed things along. Let's sate that hunger.
Who's with me?