Monday, January 26, 2009

Problem Solving

Safety is the bastard child of fear and we are a society of boot-quiverers. Safety is more than justified in certain cases (motorcycles, rollercoasters, sex with shady people), but mostly it's just plain annoying. There's too much of it. Like Asians at the Beverly Center.

We let safety hinder what would otherwise be a productive, if not dangerous, way of life. But danger keeps us on our toes. It forces us to grow, adapt. Live with your shoes untied and you become a better walker.

That being said, fuck stop signs. I hate these goddamn things. Only a handful are necessary. The other 99% operate on "what ifs":

"What if there's another car coming? What if there's someone crossing the street?"
"What if there's not?"
"Stop anyway. It's best to be on the safe side."

Because people are inherently retarded, they often stop for too long or become confused if there's more than one car at an intersection. They forget whose turn it is and end up yielding through a whole 'nother cycle before puttering forth. This usually happens when you're already late for something (work, gangbang, etc.).

Besides my usual rolling pause, I've taken to cheating at stop signs. This means that if I sense me and another car may hit opposite signs at the same time, I'll stop a good five to ten feet short so that I can go first. But sometimes that car cheats, so I have to cheat even more.

This has led to me stopping for a stop sign almost halfway down the street.

My solution:

We should raze all stop signs and hire illegals to direct traffic on our suburban streets and side roads. Companies could advertise on these illegals:

"Why is that Mexican in the two-for-one Big Mac shirt waving me ahead?"
"He's the new stop sign, bro."
"I'm hungry."

The advertising money would go towards paying the illegals and the city wouldn't have to spend a dime. Things might get confusing in the dark, which is why all nightshift stop signs would be required to purchase their own reflectors and neon vests or face deportation.

There could even be nametags so you could get to know the stop signs on your street.

"Jose! What's up?"
"No carro. Go go."

We wouldn't use the homeless because they're mostly deranged and take America for granted. Too many x-factors. If you hire an illegal for a job you know he'll work his fucking ass off as long as he thinks he's being watched. Plant the seed of paranoia by telling him he's being videotaped and he won't even take a lunch break.

And you won't have to stop so much.


Patrick Nilsson said...

Hahahah! Its all true! You should take Andy Rooneys spot on 60min and complain about all the little things that bother you! :-) and switch out the STOP sign mexicans with SLOW sign mexicans.

Anonymous said...

haha you put some thought into this! Great read!

Travis Milne said...


Mom said...

Brilliant blog, my son.

richelle said...

oh, jeff this is so good

Anonymous said...

haha fucking hilarious

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