Sunday, September 21, 2008

How To Save A Life...

Two months ago I met a girl at Happy Ending's, a bar/club within stumbling distance of my apartment. This was the maiden voyage of my white, long-sleeved shirt -- back when it still clung to my pectorals and hugged my arms. Sadly it has since stretched and I don't look as massive in it anymore. But it's still a good shirt and I wear it often.

Anyway, we hit it off. I had lit her Parliament Light on the smoking deck and mentioned it's the number one cigarette in Hollywood because everyone can do cocaine bumps out of the recessed filter. She giggled a cute, coquettish, overly-girly giggle and we ended up making out all night and singing the lyrics to Chattahoochee in each other's ears, trading off after every line.

"Way down yonder on the Chattahoochee..."
"... it gets hotter than a hoochie coochie."
"We laid rubber on the Georgie asphalt..."
"... we got a little crazy but we never got caught."

I drove down to Hermosa Beach a couple weekends later to see her. I have never received so many penile compliments in my life. Pretend a dickhole is a mouth and imagine it smiling. That's what my penis was doing.

There was a problem though.

"Baby, you're bleeding."
"You're bleeding."
"I just had my period last week."
"Well it's back."

She fell asleep with her head on my chest. I woke her up with doggystyle.

"Yes, yes! Harder, HARDER!"
"You like that cock?"
"I love it."
"Big enough for you?"
"Soooooo big."
"Ohhh yeah!"

I had gone too deep. When the pain didn't subside after two days, she went to see her gyno, who gave her painkillers and suggested lube. I went to Hustler's of Hollywood the next day and picked up a tiny bottle. I made sure to specify that I was looking for vaginal lube so the slutty-looking rocker clerk wouldn't think I was gay.

"Do you want water or silicon-based?"
"I don't know. Whatever's good and not expensive."

She picked up a tiny bottle of something that cost ten dollars.


"This feels great on my pussy."
"Cool. Can we gift wrap it?"

Blank stare.

"Holly, do we gift wrap?"
"I'm kidding, I'm kidding."

The girl came up to see me a week later. We had drinks with her friends at their house on a hill in Echo Park and then hit up Happy Ending's again. I stayed soberish because I had french-kissed my toilet the night before. She got sloshed. I ushered her back to my apartment at 12:30, after I bought her a chicken sandwich at Burger King and watched her high-five the backpacked-brontosaurus in the middle of the restaurant.

She french-kissed my toilet. I held her hair. She sobered up. We had sex again.

"Oh my God, baby. You're so fucking wet."
"Oh, yeah..."
"Shit. You're bleeding."

Like an asshole, I made a remark about how expensive it is to dry clean a down comforter. She started to cry. I held her and hushed her and apologized. We fell asleep tangled like a retard's shoelaces.

Sex in the morning. Blood again.

"I don't know what's wrong with me."
"It's okay."
"I'm scared."
"Don't be."

We kind of cut things off after that. Not because of la sangre, but because of my unwillingness to commit to anything more than silent promises of under-the-influence fucking.

DVD chapter-skip to last night.

We reconcile, reunite, and go to a bar in Los Feliz for her friend's moving-to-New York party. Vodka flows, good times are had.

"I have something to tell you."
"Not right now."
"Come on. You can't just say that and not tell me."
"I'll tell you later."
"Tell me now."
"Fine... I'm getting surgery next week."
"Surgery? For what?"
"You know how I was bleeding?"
"... I had a tumor on my uterus."

She had a tumor on her uterus that she didn't know about. That she wouldn't have known about had it not been for the courageous efforts of my dick. Now I don't know much about the schematics of the vagina, but I don't think this is possible for two reasons.

A: From what I remember of 10th grade Health, the uterus is way up there.
B: I pack heat, but I am not John Holmes.

But I take her word for it. She's drunk, so maybe she means her cervix or her vulva or some other vaginal part that would be on a test, multiple choice or write-in. Either way, I feel like a fucking hero. Like a lone firefigher who prevented a vaginal 9/11.

And then I fuck it up:

"God... I hope I can still get a hard-on later."
"... I don't think you were supposed to say that."
"Yeah. I probably shouldn't have."


Jeff said...

Yes, I used a condom. Every. Fucking. Time.

James Martin said...

haha man, the way you recite the stories are fascinating:

'I ushered her back to my apartment at 12:30, after I bought her a chicken sandwich at Burger King and watched her high-five the backpacked-brontosaurus in the middle of the restaurant.'

I can envision that shit perfectly and relate to that level of drunkenness.

BTW, your mother left a comment on my blog. I really appreciated that!

Hope everything's going well! I'm waiting for the day that one of your scripts gets bought by some big time I'm-so-rich-here's-an-extra-mill executive. Keep it up!

Ronnie Pudding said...

Way to go, man. You’ve got the 9/11 Firefighter of penises.

mom said...

"We fell asleep tangled like a retard's shoelaces." Ha ha ha ha. Great image, my son. Next time, just go to the drugstore for some AstroGlide. Also, polyps will also cause bleeding like that. Good luck with all that.

mon said...

I really need to self-edit before I post. One extra "also" in that last comment. Sigh.

Mom said...

Duh, I also need to self-edit my name. I am not Jamaican. I am MOM! Glad to see feeding you that steady diet of country music paid off in the end.

richelle said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

Great fucking title!

You must be having a blast out there in LA. I should move out there.

I liked the part where you said you penis would be smiling. LOL

Anonymous said...

You should have fucked her in the ass. That would have been an alternative if the pussy was bleeding.

Anonymous said...

Three words... one lucky bitch.

Anonymous said...

She should fuck you for free the rest of her life since you saved her!!! I'm proud of you man!