Thursday, February 19, 2009
How to get cheap fruit
Money doesn't grow on trees. Fruit does. This is why I don't like to buy fruit.
I do though. Sometimes. It's weird: when I was 7-years-old I would've never thought I'd be paying for something my grandma would cut up and serve to me for free. But here I am, spending fifty cents to a dollar for an apple.
Oreos are cheaper.
It costs to be healthy in America. Subway. Whole Foods. Jamba Juice. The little Kale Acai Whatever elixirs you see sweaty yoga people sipping cost more than a large pizza. Which is fine. I think the overly health-conscious should be preyed upon and abused until their wallets run drier than organic raisins.
"Excuse me, was this grown locally?"
Shut the fuck up.
The rest of us who enjoy an orange here and there shouldn't have to endure such prices. The next time you're at the grocery store, try this:
1. Find out what produce is selling for the cheapest. Depending on stock, a supermarket may run a crazy deal. Granny Smiths were going for fifty-cents a pound the other day.
2. Stock up on your fruit of choice. Lately I've been getting a lot of astronomically-priced citrusy stuff.
3. Go to the self-checkout. It's usually "monitored" by some deadbeat who's too retarded to run a register on his own or a manager who's half paying attention because she has a million other things to worry about. Either way, nobody gives a fuck about you. This is typical customer service.
4. Perform an item look-up and ring up your fruit as the cheap produce. The computer goes by weight and can't tell shit from champagne. This is how you get four pounds of Tangelos for the price of green onions.
5. Bag your shit and exit the store. If you're feeling extra bold, steal a magazine. If anyone stops you -- and they won't -- play dumb and pretend you got caught up reading it.
It happens all the time.