Thursday, February 19, 2009

How to get cheap fruit


Money doesn't grow on trees. Fruit does. This is why I don't like to buy fruit.

I do though. Sometimes. It's weird: when I was 7-years-old I would've never thought I'd be paying for something my grandma would cut up and serve to me for free. But here I am, spending fifty cents to a dollar for an apple.

Oreos are cheaper.

It costs to be healthy in America. Subway. Whole Foods. Jamba Juice. The little Kale Acai Whatever elixirs you see sweaty yoga people sipping cost more than a large pizza. Which is fine. I think the overly health-conscious should be preyed upon and abused until their wallets run drier than organic raisins.

"Excuse me, was this grown locally?"

Shut the fuck up.

The rest of us who enjoy an orange here and there shouldn't have to endure such prices. The next time you're at the grocery store, try this:

1. Find out what produce is selling for the cheapest. Depending on stock, a supermarket may run a crazy deal. Granny Smiths were going for fifty-cents a pound the other day.

2. Stock up on your fruit of choice. Lately I've been getting a lot of astronomically-priced citrusy stuff.

3. Go to the self-checkout. It's usually "monitored" by some deadbeat who's too retarded to run a register on his own or a manager who's half paying attention because she has a million other things to worry about. Either way, nobody gives a fuck about you. This is typical customer service.

4. Perform an item look-up and ring up your fruit as the cheap produce. The computer goes by weight and can't tell shit from champagne. This is how you get four pounds of Tangelos for the price of green onions.

5. Bag your shit and exit the store. If you're feeling extra bold, steal a magazine. If anyone stops you -- and they won't -- play dumb and pretend you got caught up reading it.

It happens all the time.

8 comments:

Mom said...

Don't forget they have all the surveillance cameras overhead, so if you do lift a 'zine, they may catch you. I don't advocate cheating on prices or stealing anything, but I do agree that the high price of staying healthy, organic anything costs twice as much. It's all part of a government conspiracy to keep the masses sick with high levels of undesired chemical elements. All the hormones and chemicals and antibiotics and engineered food is not good for people. We need to get back to the basics, which is why I am putting an organic garden in the dog yard this year.

Jeff said...

You should advocate cheating on prices.

Anonymous said...

I never thought about cheating the self checkout by saying it's a cheaper fruit. I'll have to try that now. I don't understand why motherfucking apples are so expensive though. I paid almost 50 cents for one. That's crazy.

Anonymous said...

sometimes I walk through the grocery store and eat grapes, then when i'm full i sit the bag somewhere else. You should try that sometime. haha

Anonymous said...

i get 2 bags of grapes, let kids kids eat all they want while shoping and buy the second bag.. 2 for the price of one.

LucytheHound said...

hilarious

Anonymous said...

In NYC...the situation is very different. We have Whole Foods, and Health Nuts, and Zabars, and Gourmet Garage, and various Korean "Fruit Marts" that were charging, I believe, a buck for a pretty dried out navel orange through most of the winter.
However, NYC's peddling laws are lax so every couple of blocks you'll find a sidewalk peddler selling the highest quality produce at 1/5 the price you'd find at Whole Foods or Zabars.
5 large oranges for 2 bucks ? A lb of Idaho potatoes for 50 cents? A bag of baby carrots for a buck ? At that price, you don't have to steal.

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