Friday, October 10, 2008


Going to the movies is different from watching a movie because watching a movie is code for sex -- even when it's just code for "I want to get close to you on the couch so we can tease each other and flirt and giggle and have much sexual tension." Unfortunately this method is constantly abused and used for sex instead of romance (I do it). As a result, girls have been conditioned to be wary when any activities, especially movie-watching, are to occur inside a guy's apartment.

"Does he expect me to fuck him?"
"You're going to his apartment. Yes."

A man's apartment is his sexual den. He is the lions and women are his Daniels. He wants to eat as many Daniels as possible. In the Hollywood version of Daniel's story, Daniel would have to rescue his estranged father from a Gladiator-esque lions den whilst battling a phobia of lions he's had since his dad left for war when he was a child and lions murdered his mother and sisters. His father, of course, would be the bait that gets him into the lions den to fight the final battle.

Watching a movie is the bait for girls.

See, girls don't want to go to the movies because they inherently want guys to spend money on them (oh how they do). They want to go to the movies to avoid the sexual bullshit that comes with watching a movie (a.k.a. sharing a couch with a functioning dick). If a guy takes a girl to a movie, chances are he'll pay attention to the movie because tickets cost so much. If he gets a girl to watch a movie at his apartment, he can throw on whatever the fuck (Transformers) while he tries to engage you in coitus.

Safety Tips for Girls Who Are Considering Watching a Movie With a Guy:

-- Ask what movie he wants to watch. If it's something scary, he wants to fuck you. If it's something romantic, he wants to fuck you. If it's pretty much anything, he wants to fuck you.

-- Ask him if he's seen the movie. If he has, then most likely he wants to fuck you. But he could just want to share a great film with you. Try to gauge his passion for the movie by asking generic questions like "What's it about?" and "What are the major themes?"

-- If the guy calls an audible when you get to his apartment and switches from American Beauty to Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2002, you should mention how much you wanted to watch American Beauty and plan an escape. "These warts have my pussy on fire" would probably work.

-- If you can't think of an escape, yawn and mention how late it is and how tired you are and how busy your day is tomorrow. Stress how you need to get a good night's sleep in your OWN bed.

-- On your way out, suggest alternative, cliched, non-apartment daytime activities that you'd see in a shitty romcom montage. Examples include hiking, cycling, sharing an ice cream, and him winning you a giant stuffed giraffe from an unwinnable carnival game.

-- If he sounds bummed, it's because he wanted to fuck you. If he sounds kind of bummed, it's because he wanted to flirt with you and be romantic and thread fingers and have sexual tension. and you're making him jump through bullshit girl hoops because you think he just wants to fuck. If he's into your shitty suggestions, he likes you way too much too soon and is likely deranged or emotionally wounded.

This is probably what you're looking for.


Anonymous said...

This work of art is right on target! :=)

Anonymous said...

I'm lovin' it!

Anonymous said...

my favorite so far

Allie said...

"If he gets a girl to watch a movie at his apartment, he can throw on whatever the fuck (Transformers) he wants"

I laughed out loud when I read this. I saw Transformers with my boyfriend the first week we were dating!

Jeff said...

Hopefully he behaved himself...

Anonymous said...

this blog is very accurate. I pulled a blonde at a bar a while back and she gave me her number. I texted her the next day to come round to watch a movie, she suggested going to the cinema. I refused to go to the cinema and she refused to come round and watch a movie. And that was the end of that. :)

Anonymous said...

This is a really good piece of writing.

Elolzabeth said...

This is great!