Saturday, July 26, 2008

Raincoats


I'm always reluctant to buy condoms because I feel like I'm jumping to conclusions about where the night may take me. I feel like I'm jinxing myself, introducing chaos to the divine plan laid out by the Pussy Gods. But it's been a good minute, so fuck it. Better to be prepared than hot-dogging it between a pair of breasts that more than likely won't be ample enough, although I do have a history of hooking up with fat chicks (sue me).

"Can I get some of those Magnums, please?" I say to the female clerk, injecting a hint of embarrassment into my tone so I don't come off as one of those cocksure frat types. It's bad enough I'm wearing my "There's no such thing as free pussy" shirt (it was a gift). Still, I can't help glancing at the girl behind me to gauge her reaction. She darts her eyes away a millisecond too late.

She was sizing me up. I feel like a G.

"$5.43."

Magnums are more expensive than regular condoms. I don't know if this is to cover the cost of the extra latex or what, but you're essentially being penalized for having an above-average sized penis. It's like a handicap in golf. They also lack the fun and features of their little brothers. They aren't ribbed or extra-sensitive or heated. They don't play ringtones. They're just bigger. You can probably order them special online, but where's the practicality in that? People lack foresight when they're thinking with their foreskin.

Let's do some arithmetic:

$5.43 ÷ 3 = $1.81

A dollar eighty-one per lay. That's assuming you don't tear the condom, put it on inside out, or lose your hard-on before you can get it on.

I'm poor in all of these categories.

But $1.81. Shit. I can almost buy a half gallon of milk for that price. I guess it comes down to this: would I rather fuck or eat cereal? Seeing as how I'm all out of Cinnamon Toast Crunch, I'd probably rather fuck.

I should go to the grocery store.

7 comments:

Anonymous said...

hahaha great fucking read!

And I thought I was the only person who put condoms on the wrong way. They should make those motherfuckers easier to figure out.

Anonymous said...

This nigga don't buy condoms... I pull that shit out and cum in that bitch's mouth.

Jeff said...

Well yeah, that's ideal.

Anonymous said...

shit, i wish i was big enough to wear XL condoms. i feel small.

Anonymous said...

Just when I thought you couldn't write anything funnier than the stuff you already have on your blog, you do. Impressive piece of writing!

Anonymous said...

Now that's creative writing! :=)

Anonymous said...

I like!