Still looking for a place to live. My leads have, for the most part, fallen through. As I suspected, the “you can stay with me” e-mails stopped once they found out I’m a fan of the tuna. Not that I told them, but they probably figured it out when I didn’t respond with an emphatic “Me too!” to their “I’m gay, BTW” e-mails – which I got a lot of, BTW.
I think I responded with the unrainbow-like, “Not a problem at all. I’ve been hit on by a couple of bears.”
Still, it was mildly entertaining to see how they broached the subject. After cutting through all the friendly bullshit that wastes too much of our lives, of course:
“Are you gay?”
“… or you could stay in my room.”
“This is a weird question, but are you gay?”
“I’m gay, BTW.”
The “this is a weird question…” is my favorite. I love how he tried to soften the blow (no pun intended) with a disclaimer. Thanks for trying to make me feel comfortable, John. I’ll think of you when I’m sharing a bus shelter with Jarvis and his shopping cart.
There’s one guy in Santa Monica who’s still courting me via e-mail, asking all the typical bullshit questions men ask women when they want to sound like they care:
“So what do you do at the gym? What do you do for fun? What kind of music do you like?”
Shit like that. Shit that, if you ask the person to repeat your answer a minute later, they wouldn’t be able to. Not that I’d blame him. I have a bad habit of forgetting people’s names within seconds of meeting them because I’m too busy thinking about what to say next.
We’re a generation of people waiting to talk. Listening is for the deaf.
Kimberly’s coming into town tonight. She’s going to get reamed to the hilt. It’s going to sound like little kids splashing around in puddles.
I’m halfway through the first act of my urban comedy and there’s only two be + gerund lines so far. Should there be more?
“The way he be sweating…”
Is that racist? If so, is it racist because I’m white? Would it be racist if I were black?
I want to clarify something, since I’m pretty sure I come off as a raging homophobe or racist or misogynist or all three. I may speak candidly about race and sexuality and other sacred-cow topics from which finger-pointing-careers are birthed, but that’s because I think everything should be talked about. I’m not anti-gay or anti-black or anti-woman.
I mean you won’t catch me having gay, incestuous sex with my black cousin while I’m beating a woman who’s having an abortion, but I’ll sure as hell talk about it.
With a straight face.