Monday, June 25, 2007

June 23 and 24 and 25, 2007 (fuck, I'm lazy)

Maurice throws a party to celebrate the solstice.

I shit you not.

There’s a schmattering of New-Age/Bohemian types who, collectively, encompass every associated stereotype imaginable. And then some.

I walk through the dining room and hear this piece of conversation float out of a soft-spoken, my-parents-still-think-I’m-straight twentysomething’s mouth:

“I was worried people here wouldn’t eat meat.”

No. Just you, T.R. Knight.

But about the party. It’s fucking wild. There’s water and hommus and pesto and good karma and poetry-reading. It’s like an enema for my soul.

And then this creative chick (I can tell she’s creative because she’s wearing her creative box-framed glasses), who probably eats a lot of hairy pussy and drinks a lot of fair-trade coffee, picks up the cello and just blows us the fuck away and it’s like no amount of weed or alcohol could ever make this party any more kick-ass than it already is.

Didn’t the Pagans celebrate the solstice?

My brother says something on IM that is both accurate and hilarious. He says I’m living the life of a Salvadorian. I’m riding the bus and pretty soon (if I’m lucky) I’ll have my first job, and then I can buy my first bike, and then my first car.

I’m at the bottom. But that also means I’m on the come-up.

I go to the gym, wait at the bus stop. A surfer-ish dude in a Ford F-150 pulls up next to me blasting “To Live and Die in LA” by Tupac and I’ve never wanted to punch anybody so much in my life. Playing a song about LA… in LA… loud enough for everyone to marvel and bow to your fucking awesomeness. Dick.

I go to the Borders on Sunset and Vine and sit outside and brainstorm. I come to the realization that I really miss pussy. There’s a fat blonde who’s not ugly sitting a few tables away from me and I wonder if fat chicks in LA are like fat chicks in sororities – high on themselves. If I go up to her and lie to her and pretend to be interested in what she has to say about Lindsey Lohan and McDonald’s two-for-a-dollar apple pies, will she blow me in a bathroom?

That’d really be a throwback to college.

The bus on the way back to the apartment is like an amusement park ride that’s not amusing. The driver is chubby and black and pissed off and has gangsta hair and he reminds me of a rapper who never made it (is that racist?). He drives like the deal with his label just fell through for the ninth time.

“Nigga, I got this new joint called Ham Sandwich.”
“Is it about food or vagina?”

We stop on Wilshire and an old black man on a scooter rolls on. No problem, right? Right, because there’s never a problem on the bus. The guy insists on backing on, which takes about ten tries because he’s old and can’t steer for shit. Like an Asian trying to parallel park. The whole scene reminds me of that part in Austin Powers where he’s trying to turn around in that corridor.

We pass a Taco Bell and I weep on the inside because I know I’ll never win their El Presidente sweepstakes.

“I’m fulllllllllll!”

Sorry. Just felt like saying that.

I apologize for the lack of updates, but I’m so close to finishing the current draft of my latest pipe dream and that’s what’s been occupying my time. I haven’t forgotten about you loyal readers – all six or so. But that’s okay because if there’s just one person who reads on a regular basis then it’s worth it.

Can you tell I’m still young and idealistic?

Shit List:

June 1: Held it
June 2: Walgreen’s on the Miracle Mile
June 3: Best Buy Culver City
June 4: Gold's Gym Hollywood
June 5: Wood Ranch at the Grove
June 6: 8000 West Sunset Boulevard (Birthday shit)
June 7: 7-11 at the corner of San Vicente and Hauser
June 8: 7-11 at the corner of San Vicente and Hauser
June 9: No urge
June 10: No place to go
June 11: Gold’s Gym Hollywood
June 12: Chipotle at the Beverly Center
June 13: Carl’s Jr. on Fairfax and Olympic
June 14: McDonald’s on Vine and Sunset
June 15: No urge
June 16: Carl’s Jr. on Fairfax and Olympic
June 17: No urge
June 18: McDonald’s on Vine and Sunset
June 19: Chipotle at the Beverly Center
June 20: McDonald’s on Vine and Sunset
June 21: No urge
June 22: McDonald's on Vine and Sunset
June 23: Ralph’s on Pico and San Vicente
June 24: Carl’s Jr. on Fairfax and Olympic
June 25: McDonald's on Vine and Sunset


Lauren said...

I can see you prefer the McDonald's...

Jeff said...

Hahaha! Lauren's noticing trends in my shitting habits. You should major in statistics!

Lauren said...

that's what a WKU education will do to you. Make you notice shit.