33

This is how old I wish I was.

When you're 25, you're too old to connect with younger girls and too young to be taken seriously by the older ones. Your failure with women is purely circumstantial.

"Oh, you're so cute! You're so smart! I love your muscles! But you're a baby!"

I've done nothing wrong except being born in '83. Nevermind that we hit it off and shared a couple moments. No. Fuck that. There are less rings on my trunk than there are on your bark. Therefore there is no room for my tree in your forest.

"I'm old enough to be your mother!"
"Why? Were you sexually active when you were 11?"

Why are women so self-conscious about the age thing? Do they feel perverted if they fuck a younger guy? Like cradle robbers? Violating whores? Or do they feel objectified? Lusted-after novelty-fucks. Because I have news: when you're a guy, every fuck is a novelty fuck. The stories we tell, what we share with our friends, there's always a hook.

"Dude, she used to play softball!"

Why even mention my age then? I don't. But if somebody asks me I feel I should answer truthfully -- which is a motherfucking mistake I won't make again. Maybe I'm honest because I'm from the east coast and have spent some time in the South. Maybe I'm just a sucker (this is closer to the truth). Either way, don't eye me and flirt with me and make me abandon my current prospect just so you can pinch my fucking cheek and ask me if I know who fucking Hall and Oates are. Because then my prospect gets jealous and leaves and I end up going home with my calloused hands.

And what the fuck are you doing at a dive-ish bar on Sunset anyway? Is it a game for you to brag to your friends about that baby who hit on you? About that thick-haired sweetheart you cockblocked? Because if that's the case then you win. The prize is yours. He's alone blogging at three-in-the-morning while you're in your nice apartment dreaming on your duvet, feeling good about yourself. You can wake up and check for lumps in the morning with a smile on your face. He'll wake up with a headache and a hard-on -- both in vain.

Thanks for the drinks though. That was real grown-up of you to pay.