Thursday, April 3, 2008


I am at the whim of a six-foot Polish bitch. The cunt next door. I am Anne Frank and she is Nazi Germany.

I have to sneeze...

About two-and-a-half months ago, C tipped me off to the Bose Companion 2's. She'd have DJ Quik or Tupac pumping from the small silver speakers and I was always impressed with how they filled her condo with a bass-enhanced, grown-up sound. No need for a subwoofer or satellites. Just plug the motherfuckers in and eargasms abound.

"How much?"
"I don't know. About a hundred."
"I sweeeeeeeeeeear! Go on Amazon."

She was right. At the time, I had been struggling with a first draft that I couldn't figure out how to finish. Eventually I did and I felt like a G. An unexpected Christmas check from my Aunt Colette had yielded a minor windfall and I decided that, because I hoard my money, I would do the opposite this time and reward myself.

Within an hour I had my first noise complaint.

Nine o'clock on a Saturday night. What I want to know is who can hate on the Ignition Remix on a Saturday night? Monday evening, okay. But not on a motherfucking Saturday. It's the freakin' weekend, baby. We're about to have us some fun.

What's frustrating is that I'm NOT one of those assholes who blasts his music. I can't stand that shit. So I go out of my way to make sure I'm at a reasonable volume, never turning my speakers up past a quarter of the way and rarely going past a fifth. They need to be loud enough for me; not the whole neighborhood.

It's a different story in my car. Yes, I'm one of THOSE assholes.

Over the next couple weeks, the complaints add up. There are no warnings: no courtesy pounds or knocks on the door. I never find out I'm being "loud" until it's too late. What's really fucked is the complaints are received at normal times. Noon on a Sunday, nine on a Saturday, three on a Wednesday. No 2AM, I'm-trying-to-fucking-sleep complaints. No. Just the I-hear-a-noise-and-choose-to-be-a-cunt complaints. Because the building is run by fucking foreigners -- racially indefinable, airport employee-looking IndoAfroWhatevers from some faraway land like Bangladesh -- every complaint is indulged. Every. Fucking. One. They don't stop to consider that maybe the complainer is being nitpicky and unreasonable:

"You hear faint noise at 1:00 pm on Tuesday? Okay, I write down and punish."

To make matters worse, things are run on the honor system, which is funny because there's no honor in tattling. Theoretically, I could target an apartment and call in a whole shitload of noise complaints. Get the tenants kicked out. Do it all over again. Turn it into a sick game, you know? There's nothing in place to stop me. No crybaby dickhead or whiny bitch clause. But why should there be? I mean we're all just goddamn fonts of fucking sensibility, aren't we?

The system is flawed. Fucked. Like a four-year-old girl visiting a long-haired uncle.

I start to get shit from my roommate, a quiet, judging, passive-aggressive type who prefers not to communicate through words, but through notes and annoying little gestures like neatly placing the cable bill on your pillow instead of telling you to pay up. Just the other day I was lying on the futon with one of his blankets. When I got home from work the blanket was gone.

Patrick and I call him Dad.

"You can't keep doing this."
"I'm not doing shit! You hear my music. It's not loud at all."
"You're getting complaints. I never got complaints."
"You listen to acoustic rock."

I unplug my speakers.

But goddamn if they don't sit there and taunt me like jailbait. Eventually, I plug them back in. I keep the volume low. Low low low. I even turn off the bass.

More complaints. More shit from Dad. He tells me I'm being inconsiderate. I tell him that I live here too, that I (over)pay rent too, that I should be able to listen to my shit at a reasonable volume in the middle of the fucking day. I yell at him for siding with the neighbor, with building management. Then I run into my room and slam my curtain.

"Sue is a nice lady!"

No, she's fucking not. Sue (short for Sujsomething) is the building manager, a craven weasel of a woman not unlike my poetry professor from college. All smiles until you turn your back. She has gone out of her way to speak to my roommate regarding our situation, having him relay messages to me, even telling him "I know it's not you". Not once have I been contacted. Like Dad, it's always through notes or third-parties. What bothers, frustrates, angers me is I'm one noise complaint away from eviction and nobody has said shit to me.

All smiles.

And I know this is how the world operates, through falsehoods and bullshit and cowardice and avoiding confrontation, yet it's still so hard for me to accept and swallow. Why the fuck can we not communicate with one another? Why must we perpetuate the cycle of bullshit?

Let's talk, goddammit.

And yes, I know I can always initiate communication, but I've done that before and it's been twisted around to hurt me, blown up in my face. Because no matter how nice and friendly you are, nobody wants to have a serious talk with a big guy. People take it the wrong way. They get intimidated. You're seen as the aggressor -- some scary vigilante trying to sidestep the cold unflinchingness of policy to eke out a special deal for himself. And if somebody's devoted to policy, like most assholes with a shred of power are, they're just going to take offense. And sink you. And fuck you. I'd go to the Polish bitch next door and bite my tongue and suck her dick, but I'm pretty sure she'd say something to management. Or phone in another noise complaint to put the kibosh on me for good.

So that's where I stand.

Dad's fucking me and moving out May 1st. I had an opportunity to get an apartment with Patrick last month, but I didn't because I didn't want to leave Dad in a bind. And now I'm in that bind. I won't miss him. For the first time in a long time, I have a choice: I can either move out or find another roommate. This is where I need your help. These are my options:


I have one strike left. Staying here is a big risk, but then again so is picking up and moving to LA. If I get another roommate I get to interview a whole bunch of motherfuckers and decide who's going to live with me, which will be fun. Since I live in the back half of the living room, I can drop my rent to $600 (from $666) and charge $800 for the room. I can cancel cable and save another $50 a month. Basically, I'll inherit the apartment. What I don't want to do is move somebody in, get a noise complaint, and then move that motherfucker out -- both of our permanent records branded with a big red E. That's not fair and it's not right.


To be honest, the only thing I really like about this building is the fucking location. I don't use the pool, I don't use the hot tub, and laundry is way too expensive. I don't have a lot of shit so moving isn't a problem. I also have a car now, so I can live in a lot more places. But I don't want to move to the Valley. I like being minutes from work. I like being in Hollywood, in the mix with all the other strugglers like me. It keeps me going, I think. If I move, I feel like the stars have to align -- location, price, quality, a sane roommate who isn't too creepy or partyboy-ish. Almost too much to ask, huh?

What do you guys think?


Anonymous said...

Bail, leave that shit hole. Struggling does enlighten the soul for idle hands are tools of the devil, however if you were to struggle less, you might have time to do more. Just a thought.


Mom said...

"Fucked. Like a four-year-old girl visiting a long-haired uncle."

Brilliant analogy, Jeffy. You are my boy.

Now, remember what I told you. Moving IS expensive. There are deposits to be lost. I say, suck it up for a while and write your best Eddie Haskell letter and stay put. Then, find a good roommate to help overpay the rent.

If you move out of Hollywood, you will have a lot more California high-priced gas to buy. Your car is old and leaks oil. Think of added maintenance costs. Also, USAA will charge you more for insurance for a longer commute.

Think before you leap. Put Eddie Haskell to shame, then suck it up and continue your brilliant blogs.

I love you.

SK said...

Whether you like it or not, or if it's fair or not, they are sending the message that you are not wanted there. What can you do? Not everyone can be accepted by a multinational pesant community. Pack it up before you get an eviction on your record. Plus, reading your previous postings, plenty of homos out there would love to have you as a roommate. After you move in, just tell them you have a steady boyfriend who's in Iraq.

BTW, is "mom" really your mom?

mom said...

Yes, "mom" is REALLY his mom.

You do have a point about the eviction record. Get looking for cheap new digs in town ASAP...or you can always come home.

Anonymous said...

I'd move out if I were you Jeff. Find something else nearby. You said all you like about the place is the location. And you do seem close to getting kicked out (which you don't want going against you finding somewhere else in a months time anyway).

I'll come and live with you!