Thursday, December 13, 2007

National Controversy

So I kinda sorta was at the center of a national controversy.

I could have easily planted myself on TV for the millions of blood-hungry finger-pointers out there, but what would have been the point? You can’t argue with an angry mob – especially when it’s made up of whole-milk drinkers who propelled Wild Hogs to a forty-million dollar opening weekend last Spring.

“It just ain’t funny if nuts ain’t gettin’ hit. Pass the Sam’s Choice Cola.”

What I did was offensive, insensitive, and plenty of other –ives, but it was with merit. There was artistic value. And I’ll be goddamned if it wasn’t funny. In the one interview I granted, the reporter – a Tech alum – burst out laughing when I told her about the honorary degree in my back pocket. She promptly apologized and said she shouldn’t be laughing.

Why not?

You know, we like to talk all this shit about the Muslims and how they need to lighten up; how they’re blinded by their religion; how they’re savages. But what the fuck are we? Angels, saints, heroes? I liken it to white trash and ghetto blacks. You have these two groups of people who hate each other, yet they have so much in common.

Christians and Muslims are the same.

Now, I’m not saying that all of the people I offended are religious, but I’d be willing to bet a week’s worth of jack-off sessions that a large portion of them don’t miss church on Sundays.

“Dear God, please give me the strength to hunt down that Jeff guy and kill him.”
“Why?”
“Because he mocked a tragedy.”
“But don’t you beat your wife?”
“Yeah, but that’s in private.”

A lot of people asked me how I would feel if my mom was killed and somebody went as her for Halloween. I asked them if paying for my car insurance would be part of the costume.

But yes, I would probably be upset if somebody dressed up as my dead, bullet-riddled, tire-treaded, flesh-charred mother. However, I’m what you’d call a biased source. Which means the media would immediately seek me out to sensationalize their story.

“Tonight, a dead mother’s alive son is deeply upset over a Halloween costume of his dead mother. But first, the weather.”

The media never consults the neutral. They don’t fact check either. Everyone who ran my picture identified me as a Penn State student. People threatened to drive to Pennsylvania to teach me a lesson. I linked them to Mapquest directions. It’s kind of flattering when a gallon of your blood is worth more than a gallon of gas.

“But don’t you have any feelings for the victims’ families?”

I don’t know the victims or their families. I can understand their pain, but I can’t feel it. That being said, I went to a party in Los Angeles. Los An-juh-luss. I did not parade around anyone’s home shouting, “Look at me. You’re saving on tuition.” I did not leak my pictures. I did not demand attention. People chose to give it to me. People chose to turn this into something huge. I just wore a costume.

Should we consult the rest of the world before do something offensive? Should we call up concerned parties and ask them if it’s okay?

“Hello, Magic Johnson? I’m going as a T-Cell for Halloween. Is that okay with you, or should I be Jason?”

Maybe next year we can all go as eggshells.

4 comments:

Kat said...

This blog reminded me of one of my favorite David Cross bits. He describes his disdain for that show 'The Simple Life' and goes on to say...

"...I vowed that I’m going to retain that image every time I hear George Bush go ‘The terrorists hate our freedom.' You know what? I hate our freedom! Me! Little ol' me. I’m an American, I fucking hate it. That’s all we’ve done with it? We’re fucking assholes, man. We are awful."

Everyone will talk about how important freedom is when that freedom looks really pretty, smells good, and is spoon fed to them by the powers that be but when that same freedom is fucking ugly and isn’t so easy to swallow anymore, suddenly warm fuzzy feelings and a feigned sense of morality become more important.

Ronnie Pudding said...

While Halloween circa now seems to exist merely as an excuse for women to dress as slutty nurses and slutty drill-sergeants and everything else under the slutty rainbow, the traditional point of the Halloween costume was to dress as something frightening, horrifying... hell, terror-inducing. Unfortunately supernatural bogeymen like ghosts and vampires don't cut it anymore. We live in a world where real-life terror lurks around every corner, sometimes in the guise of a seemingly normal Asian-American English major with a Glock 19 semi stuffed in his JanSport.

Was Seung-Hui Cho's shoot-out at the Virginia Tech corral a tragedy? Fuck yeah. But so is the fact that we live in a society where people think a black-ribbon app on their Facebook page will make such tragedies go away. If your brother or sister or kid died at VT you have every right want to remember them as the living breathing human they once were; but it better serves the rest of society to remember them as the unlucky chump with the blood pouring out of the hole in their forehead. Otherwise disenfranchised loners are going to keep on buying guns and these school shootings are going to keep happening every year like clockwork, and every time we're gonna drag out the same stupid black ribbons and wonder what the fuck went wrong. Let me save you the trouble: WE went wrong. Because whenever something truly horrible happens we slap ribbons on our SUVs then drive home to the comfort of our suburban mini-mansions so we can numb ourselves with consumer products and faux-reality TV until the pain goes away. Instead of addressing the PROBLEM. Fuck that; revel in the pain, eat the pain, shit it, breathe it. Then do SOMETHING about it, something real, something that does not involve empty symbolic gestures like ribbons or candlelight vigils or politically correct hyper-sensitivity.

Fucking idiots.

Jeff said...

Fucking right. Both of you.

I'm surprised there's not an I-support-ribbons ribbon yet. What color would it be? Brown I think. For all the assholes.

Charles T. Moran said...

You're totally right Jeff...it's too bad that people just can't see beyond their own personal interests. It's NIMBY-ism to the extreme.