Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Quick one

This city is turning me into Travis Bickle. My tolerance for its people has mutated into a glaring contempt. Patience has worn thin. I should be inured, desensitized, but instead I’m even more annoyed. The homeless, the drug dealers, the winos, the party sluts, the V-neck mafia, the hipsters, the asshole film students – all cut from the same cloth. And yet I still catch myself saying please and thank you. Why? Nobody gives a fuck.

I want a real rain to come and wash all the scum off the streets.

Do I sound crazy? Because I promise I’m not.

As much as I complain, at the same, I like having shit to complain about. I like telling people I get paid eight dollars an hour and I’m poor and share a room and sleep on an air mattress and ride the bus and reuse the same Jack In The Box cup. There’s a certain romance to it all, as shitty as it is.

These have also been some trying times for my dick. 24-years-old and good-enough-looking and I haven’t been laid for months. I work with attractive girls who like to flirt and be playful. I give them hugs often like a pervy Little League coach who goes home and masturbates to the team photos. I couldn’t fuck them if I wanted to. Not because it’s an impossible sexual feat for me – although it’s close (these girls are fucking smoking) – but because they know I have a girlfriend and refuse to participate in anything other than light flirting. They love dangling the steak in front of the lion. And as much as I tug and pull on the chain, it won’t break. Goddammit.

I had my own personal 9/11 a few weeks ago when I accidentally deleted all of my porn. When I realized what was happening, it was already too late. And then the towers crumbled. But I’m rebuilding, kind of like a post-Katrina New Orleans. Little by little, MILFs are coming home. Bang Bros. sluts are re-opening. Things will be better.

Still, I’ve grown kind of bored with pornography. Timing my ejaculations to simultaneously explode with the monster-cocked facial-givers isn’t what it used to be.

So I’ve turned to Craigslist.

No, I’m not whoring myself out to benefactors. I’m not bottoming for Tina. I’ve just been masturbating to the Casual Encounters want ads. It’s a psychological turn on – real, local women fiending for cock. Possibly mine. You know that D&D free 34 yo shaved white female who needs hard cock for her tight wet pussy? Well she lives down the street from me. It’s comforting and arousing to know that there are so many horny women all around me, mostly 420-friendly BBWs from the Valley or Long Beach who need to keep things “discrete”.

In my head, they blow me while I’m doing bong rips.

Somewhere Seth Rogen is actually doing this, but with much better weed and a model.


Anonymous said...

If you're looking for asshole scum to wash off the street, please start first at the gym. Many of the trainers there are serious douche bags with no sense of courtesy. You're an exception. Some of the girls are friendly. Most of the guys, however, are quad a dicks. Prime example is that chunky Zac Efron floppy-haired wannabe (looks more like he ate Zac Efron actually). What a dick! Never acknowledges anyone but other staff. Never says "hello" or "your welcome." Lot of fuckin attitude for 10 bucks an hour. ps - Xtube is free and sort of like a YouTube for porno. Check it out brother.

Jeff said...

Xtube. Thank you. And I'd love to blog about the gym, but I don't want to shit where I eat.

Anonymous said...

I heartily suggest you move to North Carolina where their burgeoning film industry hasn't been tainted by nearly a century of inflated celebrity.

Anonymous said...

I feel the same way you do. The longer I'm here the more I dislike the people. I used to not be fearful or annoyed of the homeless and the hookers, etc... but more and more they bother me. I have yet to feel any immunity to what is bad about this city. The best you can do is be exposed more frequently to the good things about it.

I have to say that it's hard for me to read the blog knowing your mother is also reading it. Things that would never make me uncomfortable suddenly make me very uncomfortable...